I spend a lot of my day talking with people about the foundations of good mental and physical health: quality food, exercise, and sleep. Yes, we all know about these things, but we dismiss them as too obvious or too difficult. So I’m the broken record reminding everyone (including myself) that these are the unavoidable essentials. Starting with sleep is always helpful because if that’s in line, the other things are more easily addressed. It’s the foundation. You must sleep to have good mental health.

The good news is that some fairly simple changes are clinically proven to help promote sleep: fall asleep and wake up the same time each day, avoid light when trying to sleep, get into the light when waking, avoid caffeine after noontime, do restful activities 1 hour before bed. These recommendations work, but only if you take them seriously and use them consistently.

I know you have a million excuses for why this is hard to do. However, there is no single activity that promotes health more than quality, regular sleep. If you make only one change for your health, I propose making sleep your top priority. Sweet dreams!

My tip today is for all of us who sometimes do too many things at once, speed more than we should, or gulp down food without proper chewing- slow down! It is the natural rhythm for late fall to get slower, quieter and more reflective. I’m convinced slower does not mean less productive or less accomplished- just more intentional, intuitive and relaxed.

How can you slow down?

Thanksgiving sneaks up fast, at least it always does for me. This year I’m determined to give it more attention. That’s because I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of gratitude and how it can be vitally important in promoting wellness and fighting both anxiety and depression. Thanksgiving is a perfect holiday for exploring the idea of gratitude and how it can improve our lives.

How we perceive the world has a dramatic impact on our mood. This is the foundation of many types of therapy, most famously Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). The philosophy is: change how you think and you’ll change how you feel. One of the big challenges is that most Americans live very deficit-focused lives. I would assert that we have been trained to over-focus on information that is critical and negative. We see what we don’t have, where we don’t measure up, and what’s wrong with us. We also tend to look for these flaws in others. Sadly, this kind of lens for seeing the world promotes serious problems like anxiety and depression. We worry about failure, of not being “good enough.” We get down about all the ways in which we just aren’t measuring up.

Think I’m exaggerating? Try a little test. Find a timer. Time yourself for each of the next two tasks. First, list 5 things you would change about yourself. Ready, go! Okay, write that time down. Now, list 5 things you feel are satisfactory about yourself. Go! Now, let’s compare the difference in how long it took to write the two lists. I’d be curious to collect some data on this, so if you do my test, send me a message. I’m guessing 98% of people take at least twice as long to complete the second task as the first, but don’t hold me to that. To quote Steven Wright, “42.7 percent of statistics are made up on the spot.”

So far this post has been a bummer, but let me share some good news: you are in charge of your thinking. Also a bonus: Thanksgiving is about recognizing what we do have and really giving this attention and appreciation. As difficult as life is for many people right now, I think it’s very important to take stock of what’s going well. It’s time to recognize the strengths of ourselves and our loved ones. In short, it’s time to develop a practice of gratitude.

Gratitude is when we inventory our emotional, social, and material riches. It’s the practice of seeing and expressing the honor of being someone with gifts. It can be the gifts of big and little things: friendship, love, support, good fortune, health, family, good values, rewarding work, a sufficient income, engaging hobbies, cool party tricks, nice hair, mad cooking skills, a winning pub trivia record or whatever. We don’t have all of these, but surely we can find a few.

Practicing gratitude is not “positive thinking,” it’s balanced thinking. It’s not denying our pain or difficulty, it’s simply also noticing and celebrating our joy and triumph. I hope that you can find gratitude in your life this season. It’s okay if it takes a while to identify. Build a gratitude mindset and it gets easier over time. Practice gratitude by:

• telling others what you appreciate about them
• reminding  yourself of small daily accomplishments
• taking time to write actual thank you letters
• stopping to acknowledge someone who’s said something helpful to you
• Compiling a list of the gifts you enjoy each and every day

What are you grateful for this Thanksgiving? How can you practice gratitude?

Attention Mainers and other cold-weather dwellers- it’s now officially mid-November! This is the time to develop your SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) prevention plan. Let’s face it, SAD is a real problem for us living in the dark and cold for months out of the year. Yes, you can always move south, but for those of us who prefer this way of life- I recommend a few tips for keeping up your SAD resistance:

1. Sun. Find it. Sit in your car or under the atrium window at the mall. Take cues from the felines in your life- they’ll show you where all the sunny places are.
2. Talk to your doctor about supplements. Vitamin D can be a particular problem for Northerners.
3. Exercise. I know you won’t feel like it, but you really need to in order to feel okay. I just don’t think you can make it through the winter without physical movement. Walking, yoga, Zumba…get out of your comfort zone and find something you like.
4. Socialize. Isolating yourself will be an open invitation for SAD. You must reach out to others, social networking online is not the same thing! Talk to people face to face. Bonus points for walking and talking.
5. Embrace the season. People spend good money to come experience New England in winter. Find something to love about living here in winter. It can be an outdoor activity or an indoor one that just feels more special in the winter.

How do you keep SAD at bay?

I often hear stories about people who over-extend themselves. Maybe its making cakes for a school function, loaning money, running errands for a family member, or donating time. People often say yes when that’s not what’s right for them. I believe saying yes when really you need to say no is a big problem.

I’m not against generosity, charity, or volunteering. These are good things that you should do as much as possible, but not more than possible. When you try to do something you really can’t, it doesn’t end up with a positive result. (You can see my skill for forming obvious conclusions). Here’s how it plays out:

You are asked to do something. You are not truly wanting/able/willing to do this something. But you feel bad so you say that you will. You do the something. It takes great energy, juggling of the schedule or neglecting things that are truly more of a priority for you. You complain to your family and friends who are not even involved. Or you keep it to yourself and get grumpy or irritated. When the something is done, you look for acknowledgement for the heroics that it took to get accomplished. Or you think the person you did this for will surely reward you in some way at some point in time. The people you now feel owe you are not actually mind readers. They fail to thank you in just the way you are looking for. You get angry, resentful and think “I will not do anything for them again.” You start ignoring them or being a bit curt. They have no idea why you are angry. The relationship suffers. They might be hurt or baffled. You are left with bitterness and disappointment.

I admit that it doesn’t always play out just like that, but I’m guessing that this is a vaguely familiar scenario for most of you never say noers. You can start to see how good intentions actually lead to real negativity. Frankly, the world doesn’t need any more of it. So, I urge you to do your part. Say no to the many things you are asked to do that just aren’t workable. Say yes where you have the energy and passion for giving. The chances are that the things you say yes to will bring much more satisfaction. You will not be filled with resentment. Those who receive your generosity will appreciate the effort and that there are no strings or expectations attached. That’s real giving in my point of view.

I know from talking to you lovely people who only say yes, that no still feels like a dirty word. I encourage you to develop some statements that feel kind but clear. An example might be politely saying: “Thanks for thinking of me, unfortunately I just can’t make that work right now.” Say that and remember, you are doing the right thing.

In lieu of quick-tip Tuesday, I have long-winded tip Monday. It doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, I’m afraid. But I have laryngitis and since I can’t talk very well, I need to use up my apparent quota of words in written form. At any rate, I would like to espouse the virtues of giving yourself some credit. It’s time to give yourself a big pat on the back and here’s why:

Positive reinforcement is the best type of motivator. This is true of faithful animal companions, spouses, school children and ourselves. Noticing what we do well gives us motivation to do more of it and to keep improving. (Examples: Sit. Good dog, Fido! Nicely done with the vacuuming, honey! Good effort with the arithmetic, Sally! Way to go me, getting the bills paid and the dishes done even with a yucky virus!)

If we fail to give ourselves credit for what we do well, we start to feel that nothing is good enough. We will likely start to avoid things that we are not 100% sure we can succeed at. We take fewer risks. Ultimately will be less productive and unable to take the risks that are necessary to lead to real reward.

When we generously provide positive reinforcement to ourselves, we can also give it more easily to others. When I notice my hard work, say keeping up on paperwork or trying to be more social, I can notice others’ efforts more easily. If I’m feeling good about what I’m doing, I’m in a good place to help others as well. I call this a generosity of spirit. People like to be around others who are like this. It all starts with giving yourself a mental thumbs up.

My dad instilled an interest in both metaphors and baseball, but a real love of baseball metaphors. He says that in baseball, batting .500 would be amazingly brilliant. So while I might have wanted to go to the gym three times last week and only made it twice, or blog twice but only accomplished one- I’m still awesome in baseball terms. Going up to the plate means that sometimes you strike out, hit an easy out or maybe get a less than impressive single. But sometimes you hit a walk off home run. Or a grand slam. Or maybe you’re a steady player that contributes regularly to the scoreboard, one hit, one run at a time. Focus on your successes and contributions and you will find that you can continue to build upon them- all while feeling a lot more confident.

What can you give yourself credit for today?

We all make mistakes. Be prepared to make amends and heal the conflict by owning your part. Here’s the recipe for a good apology.

1. State what you did wrong

2. Own that you are responsible

3. Acknowledge how this must have impacted the other person

4. Say what you will do differently in the future and/or how you will attempt to repair this wrong

5. Be sincere!