In elementary school, our art teacher would coax us into making some unintended dribble or scribble into a “happy mistake.” I was not receptive. I would rather have started over so that I might have some pristine piece of art when I was done. A quarter of a century later, I think I’m finally catching on. There is beauty in the mistake…as unappealing and potentially cliche as that sounds. Learning or growing often comes from mistakes, in art class or in life.

I’d like to say that I make a fair amount of mistakes. I often think that I’d like to take them back. There are things I wish I said differently and some situation I could have handled with more skill and grace. But that’s not how it works. “To err is human” said Alexander Pope. He was right. I don’t think making mistakes are a flaw of being human, though. I think to err is to evolve as a human.

It’s a problem to see mistakes as something that we should be ashamed of. A mistake is an unintended error of which we have little ability to avoid at the time. It’s how you respond afterwards that matters. I didn’t mean to drip paint on my portrait of Cuddles, my beloved cat, in first grade, but it happened anyway. Should I have scolded myself and thought myself a failure? Or should I have embraced this and made Cuddles a multicolored, glamorous version of himself?

If we can allow ourselves some room for mistakes, then we can see and accept them. When we can reflect, then we can learn and re-evaluate. We can be accountable and make changes that help ourselves and those around us. When we deny our mistakes and become defensive, there is no room for growth or positive change.

I can see that there are situations that in the future I want to handle differently. In the meantime, I think it’s best to acknowledge where I could have done better and hope for the divine response of forgiveness.

Okay, so this topic is bigger than a blog post can contain, but it’s a start. I’m so worried about this problem, I need to start talking about it every place I can. The problem: many people, and most notably young people, feel that their worth is in question. They (or really “we”) feel that worth is tied to things like GPA, salary, position, social class, appearance, romantic success, productivity, cleanliness, organization, keeping up with milestones, how cool you look on Facebook…pretty much everything. It’s always at stake. “Am I good enough?” is the question plaguing so many wonderful, lovely people everywhere.

The interesting thing for me is that many people who look like they are succeeding on many of these measures are the ones who feel the worst. I think it’s because when you are acutely aware of what you are being measured on, you can see all the places you fall short. Since we cannot do everything under the sun well all of the time, it becomes incredibly easy to feel like a failure. It becomes too easy to see every criticism and rejection as evidence of not being “good enough.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic, as maybe you can see from some of my posts. So, I was really encouraged to read a recent interview with Brene Brown. If you have not seen her first and second TED talks, I can’t encourage you enough to check them out. She said in her interview “When you get to a place where you understand that love and belonging, your worthiness, is a birthright and not something you have to earn, anything is possible.” I wanted to get up off the couch and applaud.

Indeed, understanding that you are worthy by virtue of being born is the secret to much relief and happiness. It makes me wonder, what would happen if we truly bought into this notion? The idea is old- it’s really equality in its most pure form. But we’ve lost touch. And in losing touch we’ve created a generation or more of people who don’t know they’re good enough just by being them. So my job is largely helping people to see what is already and has always been fundamentally true.

Feeling worthy of love and belonging gives us the security to go out into the world and do good, important work. It gives us the strength to give love and compassion generously without fear. That’s why it’s so important. That’s why I might never shut up about it.

Some of you might know that I’m really into helping my clients make changes. But I am also very aware that change can feel scary and overwhelming. If you are torn between wanting to make changes, but feeling like it’s just too big of a job, you are not alone. I often see people who are in the stage of wanting change but not sure if they can handle it. This is a perfectly fine place to be. I like seeing clients who want to explore what change might be like even if they are not convinced to make the change.

Change is a process. Part of the process is thinking about and talking about making a change. We called this the contemplation stage. Having a therapist at this stage in the process can be very helpful. You can identify and work through barriers to change. You can also get support in increasing skills and motivation to be successful should you choose to go forward with the change. It can be beneficial to have someone to break the processes down into small pieces and to provide encouragement.

Seeing change as a process that takes time and exploration can make it a lot less scary. Allow yourself some space to contemplate.