I’m weary of assigning one day of the year to celebrate love. I’d like to re-frame Valentine’s Day a bit, if I may. How about if it’s one day of the year to be reminded how to stay loving? I believe that it’s in our words, thoughts, and actions that we truly express love. (Not so much in chocolates, flowers, or sexy…whatevers). When we really make the effort to be loving, we are being emotionally generous. I think this is what fuels a loving relationship throughout the years.

Photo by Jared Thurber

Some ideas to help love flourish through generosity:

Be generous with your assumptions. Try not to automatically assume that your loved one’s actions or words were ill-intended. Much of the time, mistakes are not intentional, let alone meant to be hurtful.

Be generous with your words. Provide words of support, validation, positive regard, and encouragement. Real generosity is giving of these freely. Don’t mix in criticism, which is for another time and should be used sparingly. Generosity is about uninhibited giving of positive feedback when you genuinely mean it.

Be generous with your thanks. It always makes others feel appreciated and often yields even more mutual giving. Even for the little things, take the time to give thanks on a daily, if not hourly, basis.

Be generous with your attention. Being present, not distracted, is a tremendously loving act. Be there with those you love. Don’t tune out with your computer, smart phone, tablet or television all the time. Take the time to be attentive. It’s probably the most loving way to be-open, available, listening and engaged.

Be generous with your warmth and affection. Whether it is eye contact, smiling, hugs, kisses, or touches, being warmly connected with body language and contact is another way to communicate your love.

What are your thoughts on how to be loving and generous this Valentine’s Day?

I was recently asked to guest blog for GCDSpa, a terrific local business that has personalized beauty products for every occasion. I was asked to weigh in on an important topic: how to survive (or even thrive) the in the role of bridesmaid. Here is what I had to say:

Being a bridesmaid can be a rewarding and memorable experience. You are supporting a friend or loved one as they enter into a marriage. There are pretty pictures, touching moments, and many opportunities to bond with her as she goes on this important journey. On the other hand, as too many people know, it can also be stressful, filled with conflict or disappointment, and sometimes even end a friendship for good. Most of us have heard such horror stories.

Few brides or bridesmaids start with the idea of destroying their friendship in a whirlwind of chaos and hostility. We all want the fairy tale-like wedding and not a nightmare scenario. The good news is that there are several steps that can be taken to minimize the risks and maximize the rewards that come with accepting the role of bridesmaid.

Here’s how you can fulfill this duty with grace and generosity to keep your sanity and your relationship with the bride:

Read the rest here.

I often hear stories about people who over-extend themselves. Maybe its making cakes for a school function, loaning money, running errands for a family member, or donating time. People often say yes when that’s not what’s right for them. I believe saying yes when really you need to say no is a big problem.

I’m not against generosity, charity, or volunteering. These are good things that you should do as much as possible, but not more than possible. When you try to do something you really can’t, it doesn’t end up with a positive result. (You can see my skill for forming obvious conclusions). Here’s how it plays out:

You are asked to do something. You are not truly wanting/able/willing to do this something. But you feel bad so you say that you will. You do the something. It takes great energy, juggling of the schedule or neglecting things that are truly more of a priority for you. You complain to your family and friends who are not even involved. Or you keep it to yourself and get grumpy or irritated. When the something is done, you look for acknowledgement for the heroics that it took to get accomplished. Or you think the person you did this for will surely reward you in some way at some point in time. The people you now feel owe you are not actually mind readers. They fail to thank you in just the way you are looking for. You get angry, resentful and think “I will not do anything for them again.” You start ignoring them or being a bit curt. They have no idea why you are angry. The relationship suffers. They might be hurt or baffled. You are left with bitterness and disappointment.

I admit that it doesn’t always play out just like that, but I’m guessing that this is a vaguely familiar scenario for most of you never say noers. You can start to see how good intentions actually lead to real negativity. Frankly, the world doesn’t need any more of it. So, I urge you to do your part. Say no to the many things you are asked to do that just aren’t workable. Say yes where you have the energy and passion for giving. The chances are that the things you say yes to will bring much more satisfaction. You will not be filled with resentment. Those who receive your generosity will appreciate the effort and that there are no strings or expectations attached. That’s real giving in my point of view.

I know from talking to you lovely people who only say yes, that no still feels like a dirty word. I encourage you to develop some statements that feel kind but clear. An example might be politely saying: “Thanks for thinking of me, unfortunately I just can’t make that work right now.” Say that and remember, you are doing the right thing.