I believe that failure is an unhelpful concept. I’m not even convinced it’s a real thing. In my mind, it belongs in the category of make-believe creatures along with unicorns, dragons, and the Easter Bunny.

Recently, Seth Godin (marketing genius and writer whose lessons surprisingly generalize to many areas of life), made a very wise point in his post, Just the good parts. He feels that when you hit bumps in the road, like a bad break or rejection, “It means that you’re doing worthwhile, difficult work, not merely amusing yourself.” I would add to this and assert that you can’t have success without so-called failure.

In my assessment, there is no way to “fail.” Life is not graded. You can’t get an F. There is showing up and participating, making choices, being accountable, and doing our best. Or there is not participating, waiting for others to make choices for us, and claiming that we are helpless. And every shade of gray in between. Trying and having it not work out as we predict or would like is not the same as “failure.”

In my mind, every time you choose to participate and give the best you can in that given moment, you are being your very best self. You can’t really go wrong. Maybe your grade isn’t so great, or the guy you like turns you down, or you didn’t get the job you interviewed for. But that is never failure. And usually, in the end, it works out better than you imagined.

At the end of the day, if we’ve done our best, we have a better sense of self and accomplishment. We can better accept our inherent strengths and weaknesses. We can begin to cope with the many areas of life beyond our control. Participating fully in life as our real selves with all we’ve got is the bravest and most rewarding way to live. Just showing up and learning from all that life has to offer will always be a winning experience.

Fearing failure is devastatingly counter-productive. It keeps us from putting our best, most authentic selves out in the world. We all lose when others hide themselves and their talents. It keeps us withered and tight, unable to bloom and open.

What could be different in your life if you stopped fearing failure?

PS: I’m still working on my project of finding ways to make emotional health information exciting and accessible to a wide audience! Can you help me by taking a very brief survey by clicking here? Your feedback WILL make a big difference. Thank you! And, while I’m in the mood for asking for favors, if you like what I’m doing, please feel free to subscribe to this blog, share on social media and encourage your friends to follow along and to take my survey too. (I hope the adorable collage in this post will serve as appropriate compensation for your time!)

I’m always a little surprised when I’m asked, “Can people really change?” Yes, people can really change. And if you’ll excuse the double negative, I’d say people can’t not change.

While I’m not an expert on too many things, my humble observation is that everything changes. All the time. I don’t know about you, but I wake up older everyday. I know about homeostasis but I think it’s to keep us on some even keel as we experience change around us at every moment.

Change happens, whether you believe you are in charge of it or not. If you don’t believe you are driving your own life, then change happens, you just didn’t give it much intention or direction. That’s a waste, because I really think we know what’s best for our own lives.

So it bums me out when people believe that they can’t change. I believe that a lot of distress in the world comes from a fundamental belief that we are primarily victims with little to no ownership of our lives. Here are some problems that I think come from, at least in part, this worldview: hopelessness, feeling stuck, over-focusing on aspects of life that are beyond our control (death, what others choose to do, what might happen in the future), getting overwhelmed by these uncontrollable aspects of life, feeling insignificant, numbing out, and blaming and raging at others.

On the other hand, people who bring intention and awareness to how they want to live feel happier and cope better with what’s out of their control. When we realize what we can control, and make our decisions accordingly, then life feels a whole lot different. We absolutely have a lot of control over our words, our thoughts, our behaviors, our reactions, our emotions, our choices, our preferences, and our priorities. Using our time and resources to learn how to be a skilled operator of these aspects of our being is a worthy investment.

People who are empowered to change, who own their choices, are a happier lot. They don’t look for others to provide the answer, they consult with others in a quest for their own truth. They don’t wait for circumstances to be different, they look for a path to where they want to go no matter what the terrain. They don’t make excuses, they make opportunities.

Our lives will be different in 2013 than in 2012. The question is: Do you want to shape the direction of your life or not?

I hope so. I know it can be daunting, so I hope you’ll check back here for some support and encouragement. You can do this life thing, I know it.

I have always heard from self-proclaimed procrastinators that they “need the pressure in order to perform.” I used to accept this as a legitimate reason to procrastinate, feeling that if it works for people then it’s fine. But somewhere down the line, this way of reasoning has lost its validity.

Now I say to you procrastinators everywhere, “Procrastinate if you want, but you don’t need the pressure, you choose it.” So there.

I’m calling you out on this one because I care. Really, I do. I’ve already outlined all the reasons I believe procrastination sucks the life out of you. Time to take away its power. I’ve put my health correspondent on the task of compiling all the research studies of how procrastination makes you ill. But for now, you’ll have to accept antidotal evidence that it just isn’t good for your psyche.

Here’s the thing- when you choose to procrastinate, what you are really choosing is to use stress and anxiety as the motivators to get a task done. Guess how you feel as a result? Yes, you got it: stressed and anxious.

What’s really needed is to get in the habit of choosing other motivators. Drawing a blank? Let me help. Momentum is one motivator of which I’m particularly fond. I talked about it previously on this blog: when you do something positive and new (however small) and it feels good, you want to continue in that direction. You feel rewarded. You end up getting a task done by using the rewarding feeling of momentum, not the bite of stress.

Also, imagine the feelings you get when you start something and compare that to the feeling of waiting until the last minute. Visualize what it will be like to have the task completed. Use the feeling as a reward for changing your behavior.

 
If you need to, go ahead and bribe yourself to get on a task (I certainly do). Say, “if I work on this straight for 10 minutes I can watch that show that was just added to Netflix.” Or, get 10 minutes of work in and THEN check Facebook. It’s like reverse procrastination. Do the thing you’d like to do to procrastinate after you get a little bit of work done. It also helps to make the work “snack-sized.” Plus, you get to enjoy your break even more, without the nagging feeling that you really should be doing something else.

Bottom line: You don’t need procrastination. You have options. The more you practice creatively finding other motivators, the more you can use them to make other kinds of behavior changes in the future. So start now, please don’t delay!

Where to you find your motivation?

Copyright 2012 www.newapproachesme.com

It’s back to school week here in lovely Portland, Maine. Whether you are a student or not, it seems like an appropriate time to revamp work habits. Last week I detailed my dislike of procrastination and this week I think it is high time we do something about it.

It’s easy. My first piece of advice for addressing procrastination is to know how to get started. Actually, I’m not even going to make you start, only pre-start. It’s like preschool for procrastination. It gives you a solid foundation and it’s pretty easy. Really.

Take 2-5 minutes to get the drift. The idea behind pre-starting is that you simply take 2-5 minutes to understand what the project, assignment, or duty is that you need to complete. Pre-starting means that from the moment you know about an assignment or some other thing you need to do,  you take 2-5 minutes to be sure you know what exactly it entails. For example, read the assignment, look at the directions booklet, ask your spouse questions about the house painting project.  That’s it. You simply start to understand what the process will be all about.

Do it now. The point of pre-starting is to take a very short amount of time to get the basics of the project immediately when you know about it. So just do it! I know you can.

It’s important. When my clients are struggling with procrastination, I find they often do not know exactly what an assignment or project really involves. We have the tendency to estimate that it is bigger or more difficult than it truly is. Pre-starting helps you get an accurate view of what you are doing so you know from day one. Plus, you are already practicing facing the situation head on as opposed to avoidance, which sets the stage for procrastination. I’ve seen a lot of successes with this strategy in my office.

Give it a try and let me know how it goes. Why not, right?

Procrastination is not about being lazy. It is not about being complacent. In fact, most procrastinators care very much about how things turn out. Procrastination is a way to avoid the fear of failure until the last possible moment. Then we say, “Oh, of course I did badly, I didn’t have enough time.” Or we just do good enough, so our best possible work goes undone and not judged by others. Procrastination is a fear-driven behavior. It is the opposite of going all in.

Another problem with procrastination is that it provides all of the stress on the mind and body of actually doing the work, without any of the reward. We spend our time and energy thinking about the work we should/want to/need to do. We worry about when and how we will do it or how it might feel. We think of what the outcomes will or won’t be. Meanwhile, we produce absolutely nothing (or anything but the work that we are dwelling on).

All this worry undermines our confidence. There is great pride that comes from putting in effort and producing something of substance. Even when the product is not spectacular, the process teaches us something. When we procrastinate, we lose the focus on process, learning, and hard work. We get stress and feelings of inadequacy instead. I think battling procrastination is an important step in improving self-esteem.

So I say go for it. Show the world your best work, your best self. Do your work in a timely manner. Give it the space and time it deserves. You deserve it. No one ever regrets it.

Need ideas for battling procrastination? Stay tuned for the next post in my back to school series…

Image by Victor Hertz

I love the Olympics. I remember as a child first understanding what the Olympic games were all about: triumph, perseverance, hard work, excellence, focus, and dedication. It was probably the first sense of awe I ever experienced. There is so much about what it means to be a human and our seemingly limitless potential that is represented in this epic event.

The Olympics serve as a source of inspiration. I know I will never be an athlete of that caliber. Still, it is hopeful and electrifying to think, “if they can do that, what can I do?” The world feels bigger and more exciting when I’m witnessing such amazing feats.

We all have something of significance to contribute to this world. The challenge is to continue over time to remember this fact. The Olympics are a symbol of the greatness within each of us.

After these Olympic games are done, I want to continue to find sources of inspiration that will keep me dreaming. Inspiration ignites creativity and is the antithesis of stagnation. I’m going to remember to get a steady dose of inspiration from art, music, stories, jokes, conversations, performances, nature and every other kind of wonder out there in the world.

Where do you find your inspiration?  

I get excited when clients make breakthroughs. They are also really excited, and so we both feel terrific. This week, a client pointed out that not every session contains a breakthrough. “That’s true,” I admitted. It got me thinking about the importance of having a breakthrough- a sudden “click” or an “ah-ha” moment. Should I be trying to get people to have one at every session?

As motivating and energizing as a sudden advancement in knowledge or awareness can be, a breakthrough is just one aspect of therapy. That is the answer that came to me in the place where I have most of my breakthroughs: the gym. Having come off yet another small winter illness, it felt like a feat just to show up. That was my breakthrough. Just showing up is the real work of any long-term commitment whether it be marriage, parenthood, self-improvement, pursuits in fitness, or therapy. Consistent attention, awareness, and action on the things that matter is what really drives the change process.

Of course we want the quick-fix, the get rich quick, the headline news, the Cliff Notes, and the made for TV version of reality. That’s why we want to go to therapy and just have breakthrough after breakthrough. But breakthroughs are nothing without follow-through. It might not be as glamorous, but hard work still matters. The effort of paying attention so that we can break old habits to create new possibilities is worthwhile.

Change. That’s what’s on my mind. This week I have been really inspired by stories of change all around me. People always presume that my job is kind of a drag. They think that all I hear about is stuff that would ordinarily bum anybody out. Honestly, it’s truly the opposite on most days. What’s really going on all day is people showing up in my office with a lot of will to have things go better in their lives. There are certainly ups and downs and rough situations that people have encountered. However, the majority of people stick with coming to see me and they succeed with their goals. That’s incredibly uplifting. My job is pretty awesome.

In a recent post, I talked about how people have to decide to make changes. Then, with intention and attention, changes can be made. But how do people decide to make a change? What does that take exactly? What I’m thinking is that people need to be aware that there is a potential and opportunity for change. They need to see it as an option.

That’s where my job comes in. I help direct people to think about their options and the potential actions they can take. It seems simplistic when I write it like that, but it can be a profound process. I think about how I decided to start a private practice. A colleague and friend said that she thought that I was someone who could very well start a private practice. She brought that possibility to my awareness. I decided to do it and (luckily) she was right! So here I am.

It looks like identifying the possibilities available to you at any given time and being open to choosing something different might be a key catalyst to starting a change process. You can set yourself up for change by trying to cultivate a habit of thinking about all the options before you rule any out. You can also surround yourself with creative, inspiring people who can help you identify possibilities that remain hidden from your view.

I’m going to try to be more open to suggestions and to new ways of doing things. Those seem like sensible measures to take against ruts and monotony that tend to put a lid on healthy change. What supports your healthy change process?

I’ve been inspired lately by someone who works tirelessly to grow and change. She wakes in the wee hours of the morning practicing new skills for hours at a time. Everyday there are profound differences from the day before. It sounds quite tiring, and it is (occasionally naps are required). But since she is not quite a year old, we call this dedication to change play. Play. That’s right. Learning new things and forming new neural networks in our brain to support these changes is the very stuff of child’s play.

So if my infant daughter has this much ability to change, to work, to be dedicated to new tasks like walking, talking and feeding herself, is this true of all humans? Or do we out grow it? It appears that we actually get a little complacent. Once we have tasks that we’ve mastered and routines that we have developed in life, these neural networks (patterns of how brain cells fire and work together) go on autopilot. A lot of times, we just go with it. We have tendency to forget that we created these patterns in the first place. 

For us older (and more tired) adults we need a bit of push to make changes. Really this means that we need to focus our attention on what we want to do differently and intentionally make this change, going against old patterns that fire off automatically within our brain. So yes, there is the work part of it: intentionally saying, “I will do this thing differently” and following through.

It’s January 3rd. There are a lot of folks out there embarking on some sort of life change. Right now, you need to build momentum. You need to practice doing what you want differently. Lots of times. That takes conscious effort. Each time you do it, your brain works differently. You are creating new patterns. If you do it more and more, it becomes easier. I would call this momentum.

There is a mistaken belief that you can wait around and you will find the motivation to make a change. FALSE. That’s not how motivation works. It works in combination with its friend momentum. Motivation is the reward you reap from making the change and enjoying the new things you are learning. It’s noticing that you did something different and now feel different. Then you want to do it some more. That’s how motivation works.

If there’s a change worth making in your life, how might you approach it with the tenacity and playfulness of a child? How do you see exercise, cooking, spending time with family, or any other goal as a playful and fun part of your life?