Being self-assured yields kindness and contentment. This is contrary to what most of us were taught, and yet I’m increasingly sure that it is true. This is why, in my recent post about being self-assured, I questioned the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary about words “related” to self-assured: vain, egotistical, pompous.

In my mind, being self-assured means being on one’s own team, with a commitment to working on the skills and internal resources that help us through new challenges. It means having trust in one’s own ability to show up and figure it out regardless of what life throws our way.

I think there is a real problem when we equate working on things like positive self-talk, emotional regulation, wellness, and self-care with being “vain” “egotistical” and “selfish.” I hear this quite frequently in my office. Many really nice people think it’s selfish to be in therapy or to take time to help themselves feel better. No, I say. Taking time to feel well and gain helpful skills is about the best community service you can do.

Let me explain with an example. Who would you rather spend time with: A.) a person who is generally pretty upbeat who has a fairly predictable range of emotions and reactions and generally understanding and helpful OR B.) a person who does the opposite, who bombards you with negativity, complaining, yelling, the silent treatment, or aggression for reasons that either you don’t understand or are out of proportion to the situation and whom you generously dub “difficult.”

I admit that most of us are probably somewhere in the middle of Person A and Person B. No one is calm and collected all the time, and that’s probably a good thing. But my point is, being more self-assured is something that is quite desirable. It’s the underlying trait that makes people truly kind, steady, and easy to be around.

If we have emotional “stuff” bugging us, as we all will at many points in our lives, it requires attention and work. Otherwise, emotions bubble up and come out in ways that invariably impact others. Always. I get the “I don’t want to be selfish” concern, but taking care of your emotional life is not selfish. Not one little bit. NOT taking care of your emotional life will keep you inching towards being Person B. Don’t be Person B. It’s miserable.

Being on the journey towards increasing self-assurance is kind to yourself and to the world. It is not selfish. Selfishness is the product of unmet emotional needs always coming to the surface. Selfishness is needing to drag down others with your oozing and overwhelming needs, that only you can really learn to fully address. Others are there for validation, encouragement, listening, and even cheerleading. They are not there to manage your feelings. If you are managing your feelings (not denying, pushing away, projecting onto others but really feeling, owning and working through them), you are contributing positively to the world.

I’m no mathematician, but I think more self-assured people=a better world.

What do you think?

Can being self-assured help us to go boldly into unknown life territory? This is a question I’ve been thinking about lately. But what does it mean to be self-assured? To me, it seems like a very desirable quality, something to cultivate in oneself and in our children. In my curiosity, I did some research. According to Merriam-Webster Online, the term means “sure of oneself: self-confident.” It says that related words include: vain, egotistical, pompous.

I partly agree, but I have some issues with this definition and with the “related” words. I guess this begs the questions: Who am I to take issue with the dictionary? Am I self-assured or really pompous after all?!

In my mind, being self-assured means having a sense that one can make it through what life throws our way. It means cultivating helpful self-talk and being on your own team. Life is hard, you don’t always know what to do. You may be scared or unsure. Being self-assured (in my unofficial dictionary), is having some acceptance of this and still trying our best. It means showing up physically and emotionally and being in the driver’s seat of our lives. Even the self-assured need to buckle up because it’s often a bumpy ride.

In my humble (and yet self-assured!) opinion, self-confidence is a little different. I think confidence is the belief that you can accomplish something. Usually we gain confidence through previous life experience. I am confident in my skills as a therapist from roughly 10 years of training and practice. Prior to becoming a parent (where you clearly cannot get the experience until becoming one), I did feel self-assured because I was committed to managing my emotions, accepting things I cannot control, and willing to get help and support whenever or wherever I hit an inevitable bump in the road. These two examples feel really different to me.

It seems to me that confidence is trust on one’s abilities and self-assurance is trust in one’s self. I need previous experience to be confident. I need a rich knowledge of my internal resources (emotional, physical, spiritual) to be self-assured.

Self-confidence is great for preparing in many aspects of life. It’s a positive thing, but I don’t think it goes far enough. I think we need to develop self-assurance for the many situations for which you cannot prepare.

What do you think? Is there a difference between self-confidence and being self-assured? How do you feel about the term?

Next post, I’m going to take on those “closely related” words. If you have thoughts on that, too, I’d be very interested.

Thanks for reading- if you are interested please subscribe to this blog, check out my Facebook where I post interesting links, and feel free to share with friends!

I want to thank Dawn Clancy for having me on her terrific show, Growing Up Chaotic.  Her program is all about overcoming issues related to growing up with addiction, abuse, and overall chaos. I’m inspired by her empowering message and her willingness to share of herself to help others. It was truly a privilege to be part of what she’s doing! You can listen to episode on demand here.

I talked about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and EMDR. For listeners and interested others I’ve compiled a list of resources. I’m also taking questions and will be writing a post answering these questions next week.

Here is a great article by Francine Shapiro, founder of EMDR, answering questions from NY Times readers: “The Evidence on E.M.D.R.”

A very comprehensive resource for all aspects of EMDR is the EMDR Institute website at emdria.org.

A good book to read if you are interested in doing EMDR and want to know more about what to expect is EMDR: The Breakthrough “Eye Movement” Therapy for Overcoming Anxiety, Stress, and Trauma by Francine Shapiro.

For those interested in a self-help form of EMDR, I highly recommend Tapping In: A Step-by-Step Guide to Activating Your Healing Resources Through Bilateral Stimulation by Laurel Parnell

My blog posts about EMDR are here and here.

I hope you will follow along with my blog and also feel free to contact me with questions.

I believe that failure is an unhelpful concept. I’m not even convinced it’s a real thing. In my mind, it belongs in the category of make-believe creatures along with unicorns, dragons, and the Easter Bunny.

Recently, Seth Godin (marketing genius and writer whose lessons surprisingly generalize to many areas of life), made a very wise point in his post, Just the good parts. He feels that when you hit bumps in the road, like a bad break or rejection, “It means that you’re doing worthwhile, difficult work, not merely amusing yourself.” I would add to this and assert that you can’t have success without so-called failure.

In my assessment, there is no way to “fail.” Life is not graded. You can’t get an F. There is showing up and participating, making choices, being accountable, and doing our best. Or there is not participating, waiting for others to make choices for us, and claiming that we are helpless. And every shade of gray in between. Trying and having it not work out as we predict or would like is not the same as “failure.”

In my mind, every time you choose to participate and give the best you can in that given moment, you are being your very best self. You can’t really go wrong. Maybe your grade isn’t so great, or the guy you like turns you down, or you didn’t get the job you interviewed for. But that is never failure. And usually, in the end, it works out better than you imagined.

At the end of the day, if we’ve done our best, we have a better sense of self and accomplishment. We can better accept our inherent strengths and weaknesses. We can begin to cope with the many areas of life beyond our control. Participating fully in life as our real selves with all we’ve got is the bravest and most rewarding way to live. Just showing up and learning from all that life has to offer will always be a winning experience.

Fearing failure is devastatingly counter-productive. It keeps us from putting our best, most authentic selves out in the world. We all lose when others hide themselves and their talents. It keeps us withered and tight, unable to bloom and open.

What could be different in your life if you stopped fearing failure?

PS: I’m still working on my project of finding ways to make emotional health information exciting and accessible to a wide audience! Can you help me by taking a very brief survey by clicking here? Your feedback WILL make a big difference. Thank you! And, while I’m in the mood for asking for favors, if you like what I’m doing, please feel free to subscribe to this blog, share on social media and encourage your friends to follow along and to take my survey too. (I hope the adorable collage in this post will serve as appropriate compensation for your time!)

I’m always a little surprised when I’m asked, “Can people really change?” Yes, people can really change. And if you’ll excuse the double negative, I’d say people can’t not change.

While I’m not an expert on too many things, my humble observation is that everything changes. All the time. I don’t know about you, but I wake up older everyday. I know about homeostasis but I think it’s to keep us on some even keel as we experience change around us at every moment.

Change happens, whether you believe you are in charge of it or not. If you don’t believe you are driving your own life, then change happens, you just didn’t give it much intention or direction. That’s a waste, because I really think we know what’s best for our own lives.

So it bums me out when people believe that they can’t change. I believe that a lot of distress in the world comes from a fundamental belief that we are primarily victims with little to no ownership of our lives. Here are some problems that I think come from, at least in part, this worldview: hopelessness, feeling stuck, over-focusing on aspects of life that are beyond our control (death, what others choose to do, what might happen in the future), getting overwhelmed by these uncontrollable aspects of life, feeling insignificant, numbing out, and blaming and raging at others.

On the other hand, people who bring intention and awareness to how they want to live feel happier and cope better with what’s out of their control. When we realize what we can control, and make our decisions accordingly, then life feels a whole lot different. We absolutely have a lot of control over our words, our thoughts, our behaviors, our reactions, our emotions, our choices, our preferences, and our priorities. Using our time and resources to learn how to be a skilled operator of these aspects of our being is a worthy investment.

People who are empowered to change, who own their choices, are a happier lot. They don’t look for others to provide the answer, they consult with others in a quest for their own truth. They don’t wait for circumstances to be different, they look for a path to where they want to go no matter what the terrain. They don’t make excuses, they make opportunities.

Our lives will be different in 2013 than in 2012. The question is: Do you want to shape the direction of your life or not?

I hope so. I know it can be daunting, so I hope you’ll check back here for some support and encouragement. You can do this life thing, I know it.

I don’t have the answer. I really don’t think there is one answer to most complicated human questions. Often there are many steps that lead us towards better outcomes. This is true on the individual level and I think it must be true on the societal level as well. When people first come into therapy, I try to advocate for taking small steps that can’t hurt. Often these small steps make things a lot better. We tend to underestimate how helpful small steps can be.

When the problem is bigger and more complicated, like when people kill innocent victims, I wonder if some of the same ideas can apply. What if we all did something that doesn’t hurt? Even if it’s not the answer, I have to wonder, what would happen if….

• we chose to articulate each day the things we like and admire about others?
• we decided to listen first and respond only when the other person is done and feels that we were truly present for them?
• we told those we love that we love them, always, no matter what?
• our actions and our words communicated to the people we interact with that we see them as an equally important and valuable human being?
• we can accept the follies and flaws of ourselves as part of our humanity, even as we strive to make better choices and positive changes?
• we evaluated what’s really important in our lives and consistently devoted time to these priorities?
• we spend as much time noticing what’s right, what’s good, and what’s generous in the world as we do pointing out flaws and criticizing?
• we remain mindful that despite our differences, humans share most of the same genome, one home planet,  and an overwhelming majority want peace, safety, and love?

I don’t know… but I wonder. I do know that I wish all of you a peaceful holiday season and a hopeful and happy New Year.

Procrastination is not about being lazy. It is not about being complacent. In fact, most procrastinators care very much about how things turn out. Procrastination is a way to avoid the fear of failure until the last possible moment. Then we say, “Oh, of course I did badly, I didn’t have enough time.” Or we just do good enough, so our best possible work goes undone and not judged by others. Procrastination is a fear-driven behavior. It is the opposite of going all in.

Another problem with procrastination is that it provides all of the stress on the mind and body of actually doing the work, without any of the reward. We spend our time and energy thinking about the work we should/want to/need to do. We worry about when and how we will do it or how it might feel. We think of what the outcomes will or won’t be. Meanwhile, we produce absolutely nothing (or anything but the work that we are dwelling on).

All this worry undermines our confidence. There is great pride that comes from putting in effort and producing something of substance. Even when the product is not spectacular, the process teaches us something. When we procrastinate, we lose the focus on process, learning, and hard work. We get stress and feelings of inadequacy instead. I think battling procrastination is an important step in improving self-esteem.

So I say go for it. Show the world your best work, your best self. Do your work in a timely manner. Give it the space and time it deserves. You deserve it. No one ever regrets it.

Need ideas for battling procrastination? Stay tuned for the next post in my back to school series…

Image by Victor Hertz

I love the Olympics. I remember as a child first understanding what the Olympic games were all about: triumph, perseverance, hard work, excellence, focus, and dedication. It was probably the first sense of awe I ever experienced. There is so much about what it means to be a human and our seemingly limitless potential that is represented in this epic event.

The Olympics serve as a source of inspiration. I know I will never be an athlete of that caliber. Still, it is hopeful and electrifying to think, “if they can do that, what can I do?” The world feels bigger and more exciting when I’m witnessing such amazing feats.

We all have something of significance to contribute to this world. The challenge is to continue over time to remember this fact. The Olympics are a symbol of the greatness within each of us.

After these Olympic games are done, I want to continue to find sources of inspiration that will keep me dreaming. Inspiration ignites creativity and is the antithesis of stagnation. I’m going to remember to get a steady dose of inspiration from art, music, stories, jokes, conversations, performances, nature and every other kind of wonder out there in the world.

Where do you find your inspiration?  

Copyright 2012

One of the things I love about summer is that the pace of life slows down. There are more opportunities for recreation and leisure. It just feels right to sit on the porch in the evening, as if that counts as an activity. There is a little more room to breathe. I think summer is a good time for therapy. There is room in this season to sit back and reflect.

Therapy is an opportunity to get a small time-out from regular life. It can be the pause button in an otherwise hectic schedule. Maybe it is not as fun as a relaxed summer vacation, but it can function as a little oasis for the self. We all need some time and emotional distance to survey our life. We benefit from having some time to see ourselves as reflected by another person. There is so much we gain from stepping back and looking at our lives from a new vantage point.

The ways in which therapy provides this space for a new perspective is something I’m appreciating more and more. I know it is not concrete. It is also a hard selling point, I suppose. But the beauty (and success) is in the collaboration of client and therapist in the space to re-frame, rediscover, and revisit aspects of the self that feel static and unchangeable. There is so much we take as fact about ourselves until we have the right environment to begin to see possibilities we did not before.

I hope you will consider ways to take a step back in your life. It certainly does not have to be in the therapy office. A vacation, a new experience, a deeply connected conversation are just some other examples that provide us with a little distance for a new view of ourselves.

How can you take a step back and learn something new about yourself?

I’ve learned, mostly the hard way, that I don’t know what the best outcome is for another person. That probably sounds weird for a therapist to say. There is a general sense that you go to therapy for someone to tell or “guide” you to a particular outcome. But that’s not really the best use of therapy.

I’ve finally come to the conclusion that it is not what the outcome is that matters, it’s how people get there and how they ultimately feel about it. Does it fit into some unhelpful old framework or does it represent a new and stronger narrative? I don’t know if you should stay married or get divorced. I don’t know if you should major in neuroscience or engineering. But I do know that what you tell yourself about this decision and what it means matters a whole lot.

It is really freeing to not base my worth as a therapist on what people decide for themselves. This is because we have no control over what others do. So it also stands to reason that it is similarly freeing to not wed ourselves to anyone else’s outcomes. It is a lot harder when you apply this to people you love: your siblings, spouse or children. I think we tie our self-worth to outcomes and achievements far too much. This is misguided.

Placing all the importance on outcome devalues process. It says that it’s not how you get there that matters, it’s just that you get there. I guess I shouldn’t have been shocked to read in the New York Times recently that so many adolescents are abusing stimulants to achieve higher grades and test scores. It makes perfect sense in a culture where we reward the score, not the effort.

Valuing achievement-oriented outcomes also seems to harm family relationships. I feel like families feel the pressure to be involved in the “right” activities. Parents seem to feel that they are judged on their children’s resumes and how they “turned out” more than if their parenting methods were thoughtful, compassionate and protective. The parent/child relationship seems to suffer as good parents push their kids towards “success.”

I want others- clients, family members, and friends- to have good outcomes. But for me successes are never measured by the final outward appearance of an undertaking. For me, success means that the process and the final result promoted growth and self-satisfaction.

I wonder how letting go of outcomes, at least to some extent, could benefit us all. What happens if we allow ourselves and others around us some room to explore? To do what feels right without so much focus on if it will be a “success”? What if we teach the process of learning without so much regard for the answer on the test? What if we cultivate creative thinking and problem-solving and not over-focus on the score?