It’s an odd place to get parenting advice, but the best story regarding mothering I ever heard was from Penn Jillette on Marc Maron’s podcast WTF. Penn talked about how his mother’s philosophy was that she loved and cherished her children for who they were, from the moment of birth, and never for what they did. She delighted in their joys, but it was never about accomplishments.

According to Penn, she was once offended by a producer who asked her if she were proud of her son for receiving a positive New York Times review. She was horrified at the suggestion and put him in his place by affirming it was not his accomplishments that made her proud, but who he was and had always been. That’s the kind of mom I want to be.

Like Mrs. Jillette, I hope to be secure and self-assured enough to say honestly to my child, “There is nothing you need to do or be to make my life more complete. My greatest joy is just to experience you being you.” I want to keep my child safe and teach her what I can. But I need to let go of my own expectations and not dictate the direction of her life. It’s not about me. It is her life.

I hope I can be wise enough to realize that my viewpoint and life experience will not be the same as my child’s. I need to let go of thinking I know the right outcome for her. I hope that she learns much in life that is different and more expansive than what I know. There are so many things I can’t teach her. I want her life filled with warm, supportive people who can offer lessons I can’t, like how to cook, sing, start a fire, change a tire, swim. If I’m lucky, I’ll be learning too.

I hope I can be grounded enough to always consider her needs over my feelings. When she is slumped over, mid-tantrum, in the appropriately-named child’s pose, I hope I ask myself, “What do I need to be showing and teaching her in this moment with my words and actions?” and not, “Why is she doing this to me right now?”

I hope I can take good enough care of myself and my emotions that I recognize more often than not, that parenting is not about me. It’s about what is in my child’s best interest. It’s not about being right or in control. It’s about what is best for her.

At night she always say, “Let’s talk about my day.” Now that I can do. And that is about me. And it’s about us- our connection, our engagement, our love, and our relationship. That’s where I matter the most. That’s where I want to invest my attention and time. I hope to have many days that end saying, “Yeah, let’s talk about your day!”

Each day I get to talk to her, to experience her growth and learning, is a good day for me. It will never matter what was accomplished, what awards were won, which people were impressed. Just being there for her will always be enough. She is always enough.

photo credit: http://homeimprovementpin.com

This is not my laundry closet. I believe what I have is more appropriately called a laundry dungeon. Still, I do love pictures of tidy, sparkling cupboards, “mud” rooms, and, of course, closets.

My house doesn’t look like one of these very lovely Pinterest images and that’s okay. Other people do have houses like this, and that’s okay too. I admire and applaud their dedication to beautifying and organizing their homes.

However, I think we need to be careful not to be too seduced by the idea of having everything be just so. We can’t expect to have every aspect of our life look like it should be documented in a magazine.

There is no such thing as perfect. Everyone intellectually knows this. Yet, somehow the striving for perfection is a big part of our lives. Well-meaning people everywhere are sold on the idea that if things are perfect, they will be safe and happy. This is the myth of perfection.

Perfection is actually a big bully that will rob you of joy, lead you to fear, and keep you feeling constantly inadequate.

The pursuit of perfection is a fear-based activity. It says things must be perfect or else something bad will happen. If my grades are not straight A’s, I’m a failure who will never go to college and will end up homeless and I’ll be a disgrace to my parents. If I don’t look perfect, I’ll never find a partner and I’ll be insignificant and die alone. If I let my kids eat something other than organic food ever or watch a couple of hours of TV, they will fail and hate me and it will be all my fault.

These sound like extreme views, but I don’t really think they are. Honest, reasonable people from my personal and professional life tell me these kinds of stories all the time. Think deep on this one. Do you buy into some need for perfection in your life?

When we aim for perfection in our lives, we will always feel let down. Being a human is not conducive to perfection. I don’t really know how we got so fond of the idea anyway.

I reject perfectionism. I’m going to eat well because it makes me feel good, but sometimes I’m going to eat something that is highly pleasing that’s unhealthy because it exists and I want it. I’m going to work pretty hard because I love what I do and want to make a living to support my family, but sometimes I make mistakes or need to take a couple of days off. I’m going to try to be attentive to my child, but sometimes she is going to fall or struggle because she is a human being.

I believe that the myth of perfection is behind a substantial and unnecessary amount of anxiety in our society. I think it leads us to fear being ourselves, puts pressure on ourselves and those around us to be super-human, and makes connecting with each other more difficult. If I don’t want to admit to being imperfect, I’m going to present myself in a false way, expect my family to live up to this as well, and certainly not admit or seek help when I falter.

I want to be myself without the burden of being perfect. I want to be authentic and connected with others. That means that sometimes I forget things and maybe my hair is messy. Maybe my child has a big stain on her shirt today. Maybe I have no clean socks. But maybe that’s a small price for putting other things that felt more important first today.

But now maybe I really do need to go and do some laundry.

I’m weary of assigning one day of the year to celebrate love. I’d like to re-frame Valentine’s Day a bit, if I may. How about if it’s one day of the year to be reminded how to stay loving? I believe that it’s in our words, thoughts, and actions that we truly express love. (Not so much in chocolates, flowers, or sexy…whatevers). When we really make the effort to be loving, we are being emotionally generous. I think this is what fuels a loving relationship throughout the years.

Photo by Jared Thurber

Some ideas to help love flourish through generosity:

Be generous with your assumptions. Try not to automatically assume that your loved one’s actions or words were ill-intended. Much of the time, mistakes are not intentional, let alone meant to be hurtful.

Be generous with your words. Provide words of support, validation, positive regard, and encouragement. Real generosity is giving of these freely. Don’t mix in criticism, which is for another time and should be used sparingly. Generosity is about uninhibited giving of positive feedback when you genuinely mean it.

Be generous with your thanks. It always makes others feel appreciated and often yields even more mutual giving. Even for the little things, take the time to give thanks on a daily, if not hourly, basis.

Be generous with your attention. Being present, not distracted, is a tremendously loving act. Be there with those you love. Don’t tune out with your computer, smart phone, tablet or television all the time. Take the time to be attentive. It’s probably the most loving way to be-open, available, listening and engaged.

Be generous with your warmth and affection. Whether it is eye contact, smiling, hugs, kisses, or touches, being warmly connected with body language and contact is another way to communicate your love.

What are your thoughts on how to be loving and generous this Valentine’s Day?

I don’t have the answer. I really don’t think there is one answer to most complicated human questions. Often there are many steps that lead us towards better outcomes. This is true on the individual level and I think it must be true on the societal level as well. When people first come into therapy, I try to advocate for taking small steps that can’t hurt. Often these small steps make things a lot better. We tend to underestimate how helpful small steps can be.

When the problem is bigger and more complicated, like when people kill innocent victims, I wonder if some of the same ideas can apply. What if we all did something that doesn’t hurt? Even if it’s not the answer, I have to wonder, what would happen if….

• we chose to articulate each day the things we like and admire about others?
• we decided to listen first and respond only when the other person is done and feels that we were truly present for them?
• we told those we love that we love them, always, no matter what?
• our actions and our words communicated to the people we interact with that we see them as an equally important and valuable human being?
• we can accept the follies and flaws of ourselves as part of our humanity, even as we strive to make better choices and positive changes?
• we evaluated what’s really important in our lives and consistently devoted time to these priorities?
• we spend as much time noticing what’s right, what’s good, and what’s generous in the world as we do pointing out flaws and criticizing?
• we remain mindful that despite our differences, humans share most of the same genome, one home planet,  and an overwhelming majority want peace, safety, and love?

I don’t know… but I wonder. I do know that I wish all of you a peaceful holiday season and a hopeful and happy New Year.

Ever wonder if you are the only one who walks through the door of a family gathering and reverts to behaviors and mannerisms that have been mostly dormant for decades? I can fully assure you that it is extremely common, if not universal. I hear this complaint in my office (okay plenty in my private life too). It usually sounds like this, “I don’t know what it is but when I get together with my family, it’s like I’m a 13-year-old all over again.” Needless to say, this is a huge topic around the holidays when there is a high concentration of extended family togetherness.

Why is this? My observation is that it can be a number of factors that make you prone to this situation. For some people, it is that their families have out-of-date stories about them. Or maybe the family of origin never fully adjusted to having grown children. Often, the dynamic of the personalities together just feels the same, and we start to act like it is an earlier (much, much earlier) time in our lives. And, annoyingly, so do the people around us.

A common trap is to bemoan how our family members treat us. We say to ourselves, “Can’t they just grow up and move on? Don’t they get me? I’m an adult, darn it!” If they were different, surely we would be fine. We could stop playing the role of the spoiled brat, over-reactive drama-queen, shut-down no-fun downer, anxious-worrying-about-everything perfectionist, rabble-rousing antagonist, the carefree don’t give-a-crap-about-anything comedian, or the one trying to mediate all of the above and getting yelled at for it.

The first step to addressing this problem is to realize that the other family members probably will not change. Maybe you’ll get lucky and someone else will step up and act differently, changing the dynamic. Realistically, if you are the one thinking about this topic and reading this post, you are probably the best candidate. Some people will determine that their family is just too toxic or abusive and may need to disengage completely. For the majority of situations, however, it is simply the time to start using new strategies.

If things are going to change you have got to stay, as much as possible, your current adult self even when you go through the space/time wormhole that is the family gathering. It is NOT easy. It WILL take lots of practice. But something tells me that you’re going to get plenty of opportunities. It takes some planning, a strategy, and some reflection after the fact. You can start to see why lots of people want the guidance of a therapist to figure it out.

Here are some ideas for remaining an adult, even when you feel the pull of regressing into the previous version of yourself:

• Suggest environments, activities, and time-frames that are more likely to bring out the best in each other. Perhaps structure the time spent together to bring out positive experiences from the past, or try novel experiences that will help you see each other in a new, updated light. Usually extended periods of idle time bring out the old dynamics.
• If you have a partner or children, try to use them as cues for staying in your everyday way of being. You can also try to imagine how you are in social situations outside of your family and see if you can remain fairly similar.
• Bring up topics of conversation that are mutually interesting, focused on the present, and are non-controversial. It could be sports, hobbies, funny stories, sharing favorite music or television shows. Try to think ahead of some things to bring up, but don’t force the topic if there isn’t the interest-level you expected. Having present-focused conversations can help steer away from bringing up material from the past that has a tendency to bring up those old feelings and behaviors you are trying to avoid.
• Take up a task that gets you out of the fray, especially if you feel yourself slipping back in time. Maybe volunteer to entertain the kids, teach your Grandmother how to use her new Kindle, or bake something for dessert. Just try to avoid being in the same-old same-old role. Choose something a little different than what you usually do, and then focus in on that for a while.
• Keep a light spirit. Involve yourself in the most enjoyable aspects of the gathering for you personally, whether it is joking with the funny cousin or watching your favorite old-school Christmas movie, try to keep it lighthearted for your own sake.

Remember that you do get to go home and return to your normal life. Honestly… you do. When you go back to your adult life, take some time to reflect on what you did well and what you might do differently next time. Remember, it will be a work in progress for quite a long time.

I was invited to do my very first guest post on the fabulous another jennifer blog. Here it is:

My daughter is a young toddler now. On a recent family outing around town, she decided to keep in her hand, through a few stores and the intervening car rides, an oversized red fork from a toy picnic set. Sometime after this outing, I got her a set of sand toys. She loved this set, but not for the reasons I’d imagined. She had a particular fondness for a small blue sand shovel. That night, she brought it with her to her highchair, right along with the big red fork. Suddenly, my perspective changed. That was not a sand shovel, it was the big fork’s long-lost spoon friend.

What I love the most about children is how uniquely they see and approach the world. They are their own people from so early on, bringing to this world their individuality, talents and perspectives.

Read the rest at another jennifer (and stay to read some more of Jennifer’s great posts!)

Okay, so this topic is bigger than a blog post can contain, but it’s a start. I’m so worried about this problem, I need to start talking about it every place I can. The problem: many people, and most notably young people, feel that their worth is in question. They (or really “we”) feel that worth is tied to things like GPA, salary, position, social class, appearance, romantic success, productivity, cleanliness, organization, keeping up with milestones, how cool you look on Facebook…pretty much everything. It’s always at stake. “Am I good enough?” is the question plaguing so many wonderful, lovely people everywhere.

The interesting thing for me is that many people who look like they are succeeding on many of these measures are the ones who feel the worst. I think it’s because when you are acutely aware of what you are being measured on, you can see all the places you fall short. Since we cannot do everything under the sun well all of the time, it becomes incredibly easy to feel like a failure. It becomes too easy to see every criticism and rejection as evidence of not being “good enough.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic, as maybe you can see from some of my posts. So, I was really encouraged to read a recent interview with Brene Brown. If you have not seen her first and second TED talks, I can’t encourage you enough to check them out. She said in her interview “When you get to a place where you understand that love and belonging, your worthiness, is a birthright and not something you have to earn, anything is possible.” I wanted to get up off the couch and applaud.

Indeed, understanding that you are worthy by virtue of being born is the secret to much relief and happiness. It makes me wonder, what would happen if we truly bought into this notion? The idea is old- it’s really equality in its most pure form. But we’ve lost touch. And in losing touch we’ve created a generation or more of people who don’t know they’re good enough just by being them. So my job is largely helping people to see what is already and has always been fundamentally true.

Feeling worthy of love and belonging gives us the security to go out into the world and do good, important work. It gives us the strength to give love and compassion generously without fear. That’s why it’s so important. That’s why I might never shut up about it.

I like sports well enough, even though I’m not a die-hard fan of any particular team (although I certainly have a Boston loyalty like a lot of Mainers- we used to occupy the same colony, you know). There are a lot of very valuable life lessons that we can learn through sports. I’ve outlined them at times in my blog.  I even dabble in very amateur athletic pursuits myself.

However, I would like to point out that there is a very important way in which life is not like sports. In life, there are no clear winners and losers. In other words, life is not a contest in which you must defeat others in order to “win.” There is no scoreboard,  point system, or panel of judges. Sure, there are competitions which utilize these devices, but that’s different than the pursuit of a life. The pursuit of a life is not a sport at all.

The problem is that many of us seem to operate as if life is a competitive sport where a winner will be named and a loser will be disgraced. I think this is a big problem when it comes to interpersonal relationships. For example, how many of us think about “winning” an argument? Or being “right?” This way of thinking is a huge barrier to having positive connections with others. The goal of our interactions needs to be solving problems and increasing understanding. How does it play out when we think not of these pursuits but instead of “winning”? We continue to get further disconnected.

At times I hear people talking about “sizing up the competition” when meeting new people. I always get a little confused. They are not usually referring to a starting line. Maybe they are at work or in a social setting. What is the competition? If we look at everyone as a competitor, or worse, an enemy, how do we make friends and build relationships?

It is painful and destructive when parents buy into the “life is one big competition” mentality. Many parents seem to fear that their kids will fundamentally “lose” at life. This plays out in youth sports every day all across the country. It is a common complaint that parents take it so seriously that it becomes no fun for kids. Many times, kids end up feeling bad about themselves as a result. I don’t think parents intend this outcome. I’m fairly convinced that they believe their kids must win in every way or else the dreaded outcome of “losing.” We have become deluded into thinking our kids must achieve or else bad things will happen. We forget that in acting out this philosophy we do serious harm to our relationship with them.

Last October there was a very good article titled The Power of Positive Coaching in the New York Times opinion section. The author, David Bornstein, talks about how positive coaching can transform youth sports into learning about life skills that are helpful and generalizable. Reading the article, I was struck by how the philosophies of focusing on effort, learning, and responding effectively to mistakes are the very skills parents also need to be emphasizing.

We can do much better than a win or lose framework for life. We really need to. Happiness is not in “winning,” it’s in being socially and emotionally connected. Connection, the outcome of having a positive relationship with ourselves and others, is the very thing that brings us a sense of purpose and belonging.

I often hear stories about people who over-extend themselves. Maybe its making cakes for a school function, loaning money, running errands for a family member, or donating time. People often say yes when that’s not what’s right for them. I believe saying yes when really you need to say no is a big problem.

I’m not against generosity, charity, or volunteering. These are good things that you should do as much as possible, but not more than possible. When you try to do something you really can’t, it doesn’t end up with a positive result. (You can see my skill for forming obvious conclusions). Here’s how it plays out:

You are asked to do something. You are not truly wanting/able/willing to do this something. But you feel bad so you say that you will. You do the something. It takes great energy, juggling of the schedule or neglecting things that are truly more of a priority for you. You complain to your family and friends who are not even involved. Or you keep it to yourself and get grumpy or irritated. When the something is done, you look for acknowledgement for the heroics that it took to get accomplished. Or you think the person you did this for will surely reward you in some way at some point in time. The people you now feel owe you are not actually mind readers. They fail to thank you in just the way you are looking for. You get angry, resentful and think “I will not do anything for them again.” You start ignoring them or being a bit curt. They have no idea why you are angry. The relationship suffers. They might be hurt or baffled. You are left with bitterness and disappointment.

I admit that it doesn’t always play out just like that, but I’m guessing that this is a vaguely familiar scenario for most of you never say noers. You can start to see how good intentions actually lead to real negativity. Frankly, the world doesn’t need any more of it. So, I urge you to do your part. Say no to the many things you are asked to do that just aren’t workable. Say yes where you have the energy and passion for giving. The chances are that the things you say yes to will bring much more satisfaction. You will not be filled with resentment. Those who receive your generosity will appreciate the effort and that there are no strings or expectations attached. That’s real giving in my point of view.

I know from talking to you lovely people who only say yes, that no still feels like a dirty word. I encourage you to develop some statements that feel kind but clear. An example might be politely saying: “Thanks for thinking of me, unfortunately I just can’t make that work right now.” Say that and remember, you are doing the right thing.