Did you know that bosses have an outsized impact on mental health? Who you report to matters more than your doctor or your therapist! 

Having quality conversations, being willing to face uncomfortable but necessary tensions, and modeling healthy emotional regulation, are ways that you can positively impact work culture and feel more empowered and less stressed.

This is especially true if you are a manager or other leader. Unfortunately, a recent study found that nearly half of all managers are ineffective at conflict management, and much fewer are very competent. 

So when it comes to conflict, excelling is not only good for your direct reports, it is a way to truly stand out. Engaging more skillfully around tension is exactly the kind of difficult work we need to be doing to have healthier, more respectful work cultures. 

Getting these conversations started is often the hardest part. Here are 3 tips to make it a little easier and to help these conversations be more effective.

1. Be gentle, calm, and straightforward

The way you start the conversation matters. The mantra you need is this: gentle, calm, straight-forward.

Here’s what that means:

• Gentle: A neutral tone, devoid of hostility. Starting from a neutral place when we are calm sets the right tone. You are more likely to have someone be open to you and your message.
• Calm: Feeling as grounded as possible allows you access to your executive functioning skills, like reason and logic. When we are worked up, it escalates the conversation and decreases our reasoning skills. 
• Straight-forward: Use words that tell the person what this is about. Being clear about what you are saying prevents confusion and assumptions (be sure YOU are clear internally first!)

Here’s what this might sound like:

“I’ve been reflecting on the conversation we had the other day and some parts of it are not clear to me. I’d like us to talk some more.”

“I’d like us to talk about what happened the other day. Some of the expectations were not met and I’d like to talk about how to move forward.”

“I’d like to address something that happened recently. It has to do with work performance and so it’s important that we discuss it and find a way to address it.”

Remember, saying something is typically much better than saying nothing, so if you stumble and stammer, it’s okay. Let the words out however they need to come.

2. Use curiosity

Whenever you need to approach someone who might be on edge or defensive, a very effective technique is to take a position of curiosity.

To be curious is to be open. It’s the opposite of making a judgment. Therefore, people do not feel blamed or shamed.

And that’s a much better way to start a conversation.

It might sound like this:

“I know I had some thoughts about our last conversation, but I’m really curious about how it landed for you…”

“I keep thinking about what happened in the meeting. I’m really wondering how you are making sense of it?”

“I have noticed tension between us lately. What do you think that’s about?”

While you need to get to the point of being able to express your position, starting with curiosity can really open up the conversation and allow the other person to more fully hear and consider your words when it’s your time to speak.

3. Name your intention

During difficult conversations one area of tension and distraction is the subtext: “What is this person’s motivation right now?!”

Wondering what people are getting at and why they are engaging us in the conversation makes it hard to focus on what is being said.

It also leaves room for assumptions.

One way to start a difficult conversation is to name your intention from the get-go. You need to be honest and sincere—don’t make up something that sounds good.

Naming your intention sounds like:

“I care about us having a good working relationship. I’d like to address some areas of tension so we can both move forward.”

“I know things got heated. I’d like to start that conversation again and see if we can both feel better about it.”

“I want to make sure I’m clear on what you said. I think I was taking things too personally and I’d like to try to better understand.”

Clarity on where you are coming from and what you want to discuss is respectful and it puts people more at ease.

As you go forward with these new tools, remember it doesn’t have to feel smooth. Practice will make all the difference. Having conversations is more productive than avoidance, and will ultimately feel better too.

Sources: 

https://www.forbes.com/sites/bryanrobinson/2024/09/26/managers-report-stress-and-burnout-in-2024/#

About Hannah: Hannah Curtis, LCSW owns New Approaches, an emotional health and work wellness based in Maine. After working for many years as an individual psychotherapist, Hannah created innovative programming and coaching based on her deep and extensive experience with helping professionals, leaders, and business owners. Her goal is to provide the tools needed to create happier, healthier and more functional workplaces, families, and communities by effectively supporting her clients with burnout prevention, communication, and leadership strategies. Interested in working with Hannah? Reach out!