A post for grown ups only due to realistic (okay, okay… inappropriate) language.
Change is hard and maintaining motivation over a long period of time is a classic human difficulty. I believe that if you are going to invest in a key life change, you want to think about starting in a way that will set you up for long-term success.
Building a strong foundation for change requires intentional thought.
Why?
Because sooner or later the usual suspects come knocking on your door: stress, fatigue, pressure, social situations, burn-out, and lack of preparedness.
When that moment comes, and it always does, two little words stand between all your hard work and the impending self-sabotage.
Fuck it.
Those two words cue the U-turn into setback city, often to get lost and not re-emerge to changeville for a long time.
Real change that lasts requires a strategy that addresses the “Fuck-It Factor.” (FIF for short).
What makes you vulnerable to the FIF?
Weak-sauce motivators.
Motivators are the reason you are making the change in the first place. There are some predictably poor motivators, ones that will fail against the FIF early and often.
Here are some POOR, LAME motivators:
- SHOULD and it’s cousin SUPPOSED TO. People don’t like to do what they should. The inner rebel will always say “eff it.”
- MUST or NEED TO. These are based in fear or desperation. When the fear eases up, the crisis passes, must and need to become maybe and sometimes very quickly.
- Relying on someone else. Often someone wants you to do it more than you want to do it. No one likes to be told what to do. Your inner rebel bubbles up and you’ll end up eating potato chips in your car and hiding your receipts from your spouse like a guilty criminal. For example. So I’ve heard.
- Superficial. Motivators that are associated with appearance or are status-based are not sturdy for the long-term. They don’t tend to be compelling and don’t make the foundation for positive life change. You are not changing for your benefit really, only for how you superficially are seen by others.
- Wishy-washy, confusing, or not very defined. Motivators that are unclear simply don’t hold up. If you aren’t really clear about why you are doing something, it will not happen for long.
- Vague. If you can’t clearly hold onto why you are doing something with great specificity, you won’t be able to keep it in view for the long-term.
Lasting change is anchored by strong motivators.
How you talk to yourself about why you want to change is the key to being successful. You can create strong motivation if you actually want the change and also talk to yourself very intentionally about why you want this change.
Here are some ideas for motivators that will help you stand up to the FIF:
- Want. Start with “I want to because….”. Why is it that you, and you alone, want to make this change?
- Choice. Understand how the change is your choice. Even if you have enlisted someone to support or monitor you, remember YOU made that happen. Change is about owning your choices. There is no supposed to or because someone said so. You are an adult. Own it.
- Feel. Be clear with how you will feel physically or emotionally different as a result of the change. Understanding the benefits on how it feels to be in your body when you are making this choice, this change. Compare that to what it’s like to not change. I’m motivated to do things that allow me to feel well, energized, even keeled, and able to sleep at night. What physical and emotional feelings motivate you to make your decisions?
- Detailed. Write down your motivators with as much description as you can. Say in as many details why you want this and how it will improve your life. What will be better and different? Focus on the positives as a result from the change.
- Visceral. If you have a strong physical reaction when you write or say your motivators out loud, that will be an indication that you are on track. I want you to feel something powerful. So powerful that “fuck it” won’t stand a chance.
If you really want to make a change, I encourage you to write down your motivators right now. See if you can follow these guidelines. If you want to be brave, write it down in the comments section. I promise to allow only supportive comments towards anyone brave enough to share!
Over time, pay attention to new motivators you didn’t even expect. Keep your list of reasons growing and growing. You can do this!
I both love the text and the courage it took to write the realism. So, often encouraging messages miss because the identification of the problem does not match our “inner voice of surrender.” Your piece will connect because you have matched the inner voice of many and provided clear techniques to turn from surrender toward triumph.